I'm half the man I wanted to be
by I Slay Darkness With Belief
Summary: Placing the headphones in my ears, turning the volume almost all the way up before blasting the song. I closed my eyes and pressed play, thinking: Man, do I need this right now. Rated T for very minor swearing.  D


**This TOTALLY just popped into my head last night, and I spit it out in under an hour. I proofread it just now with the help of my second cousin tori72663 and here it is =D. This is my first one-shot, and my first song-fic, sorry if it's totally awful.**

**This is supposed to be set at the end of last nights episode, only lets pretend that Alfie took the Anhk piece back frm Jerome, instead of him getting away with taking it.**

**Another note, I won't update House of Love Nonagons until after the season's over, just saying =/**

**Diclaimer: I REALLY wish I owned House of Anubis AND Marianas Trench, but I sadly don't. =(**

I ran into the house, slamming the door swiftly behind me. I appeared in my room, having ran too fast for my eyes to follow. I saw blotches, my lip trembled. _You better not freaking cry, Jerome Clarke. __**You do not freaking cry. **_I forced myself to stop. Crying is a sign of weakness. And Jerome Clarke is not weak.

I slammed my bedroom door, leaning against the back of it, my hand gripping the handle so hard my knuckles turned white. But I couldn't care less at the moment. My eyes shut, I listened to the only safe sound I knew, the one of my brain. _He's going to kill me, the- the man is going to end me. I'm going-going to li-live in a freaking coffin, wrapped in toilet paper until someone fi-finds me a billion freaking years into the future, rotten._

Okay, my mind is not safe. I can't think right now.

Do you know how _scared_ you have to be for your _mind_ to stutter?I looked around my room, still trashed from went Victor went on his scavenger hunt. It only made me feel worse. Orginization was all I felt comfortable with. Still shaking, I made my way to my bed, half hanging from the side of the frame. It bothered the hell out of me, honestly; and I pushed it in with my knee-cap to keep the rest of the sanity I had in tact.

I sat down, lowering my head down onto my pillow slowly, not to disturb the calmness that came upon me while experiencing such normalcy of the feel of my bed. The only normal thing I've felt in a _long_ while.

Looking up at the celing, my mind was empty, which from past experience, was not good. When my mind is empty, I think. And think. And _think._ And thinking was not my remedy of choice right now. I reached into my jean pocket, taking a deep breath. I found in my hand a phone, that I turned off almost immediately, my mind begging to be alone.

I also had my MP3 Player, silver, smooth in my hand. Placing my phone on my bed-side table, I un-raveled my headphones. I'm quite good at multi-tasking.

A warmth bubbled in my chest, wanting to listen to something I knew the words to, something I could sing- along to. I needed something familiar; _anything_ familiar. Thought provoking, and normal.

I scrolled down the list of artists. Countless artists. Hard rock to country, metal to love ballads. I stopped at a band that sang a song that I could relate to. I could think about it and finally let all of this _out._ Alibis, by Marianas Trench. From when I went to Vancouver with Alfie that one summer, good times.

Placing the headphones in my ears, turning the volume almost all the way up before blasting the song. I closed my eyes and pressed play, thinking: _Man, do I need this right now._

_"From the scrapes and bruises,  
To the familiar abuses.  
I'll kick and scream but it never changes,  
anything."_

Jumbled images in my head came to order. I remembered things that I couldn't control. Last year when everything was hectic. I remember getting that call that changed the course of my life. I was upside-down for a few months, wondering why my brother would do that to himself. But I knew why. And no matter what I could do in my own power, it never changes anything.

_"And I could spill my guts out,  
Wearing my best little, good pout.  
And I almost missed it,  
But nobody said that this was gonna be easy."_

I couldn't talk to anybody for about 6 months, until I finally got talking to Alfie and Mara. Pinning the blame on my parents. And I hated them. No joke. And I still do. Alfie and Mara, both of which found better people to hang out with; I don't deserve them. So I take on my life alone.

_"This is not the man I hoped to be and,  
I'm just trying to stop the bleeding."_

I never wanted to be the one who would hurt Alfie, blackmail him. Hurt his feelings. I locked him in a freaking _sarcophagus_ for Gods sake! And now that's what's going to happen to me. But I wish I could just end it. End all the wrong I did.

_"I don't know how to word it,  
I just started to deserve it."_

But I don't deserve anything. I just wish I could reverse it.

_"And all my,  
All my faces are alibis  
And me?  
I'm half the man I wanted to be."_

I have so many fake sides. The sides that I use to cover up the way I feel. I wish more than two traitors knew who I am. That I'm not just the idiot who pulls pranks because he hates everyone. I'm not the guy who you want to aviod. Or the guy who doesn't care. I'm the deep, caring human being who should be _treated_ like one. And I wish I was.

_"Most times it all comes out wrong,  
I don't know the words but,  
I'll hum along."_

I don't know what to say. Because every time I say it, its wrong. I _still _come out as the bad-guy. It ends up like that every single time I try to do something _right_ for a change.

_"There's nothing familiar here anymore,  
To anyone,  
Or anything,  
Enough to feel alive."_

It's all wrong. I'm supposed to be out with Alfie, being buddies. Instead, I'm alone, and he's out with his new friends. Who don't even appreciate him. I know that I treated him like a slave, but at least I was _truthful_ to him and actually enjoyed his company, unlike those losers.

_"And I still taste that sickness!  
And it makes me crazy,  
Without it,  
At best."_

I still feel the hatred of my parents. I still feel the remains if what was good before everything changed. Before Nina came and Joy left. I'm not blaming it on them, but for pure cooincidence of wrong time and wrong space. Before last year. Without the remains, I feel alone.

"_But I'm in the same place I used to be,  
I've been trying harder not to be!"_

Now I'm still alone, and desperately wanting to go and reach out to them; Mara and Alfie. But I bet that they want me dead anyway. I shudder, getting the image out of my mind.

I pause the song just before the second chorus, sitting up and staring at the back of the door. I was on the verge of crying again. I ran my fingers through my thick, blonde hair twice over. I still needed to do this. I needed to clear my head, only think of the words that played. Knowing that my mind would drift off whither I liked it or not.

I sat back once again, playing the song, and turning up the volume even louder than it was before.

"_This is not the man I hoped to be and,  
I'm just trying to stop the bleeding!  
I don't know how to word it,  
I just started to deserve it!  
And all my!  
All my faces are alibis,  
And me,  
I'm half the man I wanted to be!"_

I reminisced my previous thought process, knowing that I needed to change. I took extra time to think about this, my mind working a-mile-a-minute durring the instrumental break.

"_So what am I?  
What am I?  
So what am I?"_

I've turned into a monster. I don't know what I am. I used to be harmless, skinny, long, lanky arms and legs; a soft face, warm blue eyes. But recently I was viscious. My warm, blue eyes turned to ice in the warmest of airs. My long, skinny, lanky fingers clenched into fists, with my jaw set. I don't know what I am anymore, but it sure isn't the old Jerome.

"_And all my,  
All my faces are alibis!  
(All my faces...)"_

I was a liar. I needed to mend my damage.

"_This is not the man I hoped to be and,  
I'm just trying to stop the bleeding__**!**__  
And I don't know how the words go,  
I just decided not to say no!"_

As the song got louder, gaining passion, my eyes slowly opened, gaining inspiration. I wasn't going to say no anymore. I had to face this. I was going to get my friends back.

"_Don't want it!  
Don't get it!  
I know you won't regret it!  
Don't surface!  
Don't surface!  
And I feel so damn worthless!"_

But I didn't feel worthless. I felt better. I know what I was going to do with my life. I wasn't going to let curiousity get the better of me any longer. I wasn't going to have to regret this, anymore.

"_Another day has gone and,  
All my faces are alibis_...**  
**And me."

As the song neared it's closing, I sat up higher, gaining momentum and feeling it pound through my bloodstream. The music went quiet, leaving only a guitar string playing a long line of a soft chord. When he said the last words, a soft piano played delicate keys that made me almost want to smile, along with another soft acoustic guitar playing small sounds.

"_I'm half the man I wanted to be."_

Josh Ramsay said the last line, forcing it out of his mouth. In a way I knew that it meant a lot to him, emotionally. He extended "_be_", choking it out, his voice trembling.

And I respected him. Because he wasn't afraid to cry. And even though I hadn't cried before because I thought it was a sign of weakness, I knew it wasn't, and I wish I had cried. Because it's not a weakness. It's a way to let it out. And when you're done, a rainbow shines through. A rainbow that I could now see.

I stood up from the wreckage, leaving my MP3 Player on the bed and walked to the door. I opened it, ready to take on the world.


End file.
